How to overcome the unfairness of death

In Journaling Through Loss and Grief we explore all aspects of the grieving process. Somehow we think that if a person lived a full life, died from natural causes at a very old age, death doesn’t seem so unfair. However if they died from a terminal illness as a child, a soldier in the military or as a victim of an accident or crime, there is a sense of unfairness to their death to those who are left behind. Allow yourself to ponder your own definition of unfairness of death for a few minutes.

Mitch Albom says that in order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it. So how do we move on from the unfairness of death? When we feel that we have been treated unfairly, in this case by death or life, a whole spectrum of emotions start to build up. Anger, sadness, frustration, depression, loneliness. What emotion do you do feel when you think of the unfairness of death?

It’s easier when we have been treated unfairly in other aspects of our lives, for example going to human resources if we have a workplace grievance, filing for divorce, moving from one place to another if we feel that the circumstances are unfair. Death is permanent, we can’t simply file a complaint. Even if you win a legal settlement if the death could have been prevented, it doesn’t bring the deceased person back.

Unfairness and anger are messenger emotions. What we mean by that is the intense emotion seeks our immediate attention. I like to think that these emotions are not negative at all. If we believe that we are holistic beings, then all our emotions are a part of us and a part of the collective human experience. Healing is how we respond to these emotions. If we lash out in anger creating violent domino effects, the anger didn’t serve its true purpose.

If, however, we acknowledge anger and take a mindfulness moment to see what it’s trying to tell us, for example if we get angry about past events or people who harmed us, anger is trying to tell us that we have some internal work to do so that these triggers no longer control our lives.

If we do not transform from this mindset of viewing anger and unfairness of death, it will have a hold on us and impede our self-improvement.

Acknowledge that the death was unfair. Write it all in your loss and grief journal. Write exactly how unfair it is and what you are left with because it was so unfair. Include your anger at the person who died. Yes, we are ANGRY that the person died. We go so far as to, subconsciously blame to person who died. We rationalize and justify our anger and feelings of unfairness because if the person didn’t die, you won’t be left with all these emotions.

Do we just accept that it’s unfair? Do we simply keep our anger within ourselves? That leaves the door open to resentment not only of the death itself, but also of other people and events who did not suffer the unfairness. For example if you lost your mother, every mother’s day you’ll be resentful of those who still have living mothers. That’s not particularly conducive to holistic healing either. If we see our bodies as a finite container to hold emotions, unfairness and anger takes up a lot of space as they are very intense emotions. Because they are so intense, they are also draining on our inner resources. Overtime, the emotions that we only there to serve as a messenger, becomes the foundation of how we view the world.

It’s decision time.

Do you want to build your healing from loss and grief on unfairness and anger?

Or do you want to heal with a foundation of understanding so that you can fulfil your purpose on earth. You are alive, even if you wished to trade places with the person who died.

George S. Patton said, you fight like you train.

Think back on all the unfair events that happened in your life so far. How did you survive them? How did you deal with other times that you were angry? When did you step away from a fight and just simply let it go? Was there a time that you needed outside help?

You are resilient. You have all the skills inside you to heal.

Draw on those previous experiences and empower yourself with your inner wisdom. When you are ready, write the words: I RELEASE myself from unfairness and anger of death on a piece of paper.

Now read it back to yourself aloud. Do you feel the energy shift? Feel free to write down your own releasing mantra and read it back to yourself. During the coming days and weeks, if you find yourself going back to the past thoughts and messenger feelings of unfairness and anger, repeat your mantra to immediately shift your energy to the healed part of yourself. With repetition and trust in your own power, it will become easier and easier.

When we release the emotion of unfairness through guided journaling, it opens up space for something new and healthy. Jot down one emotion you want to fill your holistic body with today. For example, it’s unfair that my child died from cancer, I acknowledge the messenger emotion and release my anger and feelings of unfairness. I fill my space with the sounds of the trees in the forest or the smell of the flowers in my garden. My emotion is harmony, a sustainable foundation for healing.

You have now set the foundation of your healing by integrating the loss as a part of life. Death and it’s unfairness, the anger no longer fills up your being and you are releasing that which no longer serves you. Your body is calm, your mind enlightened and your spirit aligned.

Keep Journaling, Keep Growing.

Mesmerize by Kevin MacLeod is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (



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