I recently watched an episode of Seinfeld where the George character’s girlfriend breaks up with him. She used the line: “It’s not you, it’s me,” where he replied that she cannot use that, he invented the phrase!
When I was younger, I moved quite a bit and lived in two different countries by the time I was three years old and immigrated to Canada at twenty-one. Needless to say, I was used to starting relationships and then ending them frequently. In hindsight, moving a lot made me quite adept at forming new friendships quite quickly. Perhaps I knew that it would likely only be temporary. I poured a lot of energy into my relationships and still do.
Now that we’ve settled into a lovely neighbourhood and raising children, I can feel that I’m setting down roots. Some relationships that I started eighteen years ago are still strong. However, I’ve come to discover that some are not.
Much research has gone into what makes a good relationship: common interest, communication, humour and so forth. Then why is it that some relationships seemingly come to an abrupt end? Always on the search for “why”, I took inventory of who I was when I started certain relationships, and the answers jumped off the pages.
There was a time in my life when things just went haywire. I was trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted. Little did I know that I attracted the same energies and people who were at the same vibration. I went to therapy, worked through some deep traumas and discovered how to take responsibility for all aspects of my life. Throughout this ten-year transformation, I shared my discoveries with certain friends, and they chose to stay where I met them. Now that I’m helping other people heal from their traumas or challenging circumstances through seminars, workshops and guided journals, the gap widened, and the ugly side of relationships started to appear.
Downplaying my achievements, ghosting me or simply not showing any interest in my work could make me doubt myself. And it did, for a while. Then I realized who I was when I met them, and I am no longer that person. So I wished them, sincerely, all the best and let those relationships go. Turns out, it really was “It’s not you, it's me” that ended the relationships. I transformed into a better version of myself and couldn’t go back to the person I was before with the same thoughts and habits.
I started to attract others with a growth mindset through networking and being open to receiving relationships aligned to where I am now. A growth mindset doesn’t mean that we are all on the same energetic vibration or have the same knowledge. On the contrary, it means that we are open to becoming our best selves. We put in the effort to get there, and we are enthusiastic about each other’s journeys.
I used to want to rescue people, which meant I would worry about their wellbeing far from what was needed. Another lightbulb moment came when I wrote down how much time I spent thinking about others instead of my own growth. Now that I’m much more relaxed and grounded, I understand that the more I know myself, the better friend I can be to those who appreciate me. I can pour the same amount of energy into those relationships because they, too, would love to see me grow.
It is a universal human trait that when we feel insecure, we either overcompensate and give everything away to other people, or we would like others to stay “small” and insecure with us to bring comfort. Every person is responsible for their own happiness and growth. It is not up to us to rescue people or stay small for the sake of others.
You own your life. You have permission to attract abundance, love and acceptance for who you are.